Rabbi Hannah Estrin

I am in the midst of a great blessing – I am taking this year to finish rabbinic studies at Zeigler School of Rabbinic Studies. My sabbatical from guiding. I am looking forward to bringing new knowledge and renewed energy back to one of the things I love most, sharing Israel and the intersection between Israel and Judaism.  For now though, I thought I would share my Kol Nidre Sermon.

 

It was the summer of 2014, Israel was in the midst of Tzuk Eitan – Protective Edge – a war with Hamas in Gaza. That June, the peace of post Shabbat candle lighting time was shattered. The Shabbat Siren was going off, again My wife and I were a bit confused, didn’t we just hear it a few minutes before? But, slowly, it dawned on us, this siren was undulating, rising and falling. This …….this was a ‘code red’ siren. This was a ‘go to the safe-space’ siren. The residents of Jerusalem, for the first time since 1994 and Desert Storm, were hearing the air-raid siren signaling incoming rockets.

We knew what to do, we called the girls, 9 and 14 at that time, and headed downstairs to the building’s bomb shelter. Our Neighbors came down and a few random people from the street. We did not ask why these strangers had come – we simply opened the door and welcomed them in. No one had panicked. Even though it was a shock to hear a siren in Jerusalem, the supposedly safe city.

Eliana, our oldest-she’s the cool one….    When the siren went off she had been reading a book. She walked down the stairs still reading and stood in the miklat, the bomb shelter for 15 minutes, not bothered at all. Well, except that she never turned the page.

Odelya, the younger, she clung to us and cried. The nights that followed were filled with anxiety and questions like ‘why do they hate us?’ Why do they want to kill us? We are just people. The safe abode of my children as protected by childhood had been broken. The morality of maintaining war away from civilians was shattered.

After close to a decade of living in Israel, I experienced my first siren. After close to a decade, I questioned the wisdom of raising kids in Israel. War should not be attacks on civilians, I thought. There are rules in war, and a war which goes after children and families — that breaks the rules. My bubble had been burst & I was not sure what to do. My kids laugh at me when I use this phrase but it was ‘just wrong’.

Several years have passed since then, and like most Israelis, I have learned to live in the world of the middle east. My understanding of the process I went through was helped several months ago when I had the opportunity to hear about a ‘new’ subcategory of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – PTSD. This ‘new’ category has been labeled – moral injury. If PTSD is what gives you nightmares & makes you panic at loud noises, Moral Injury is what tears apart the ethics and morals you hold to be solid and right in the world. The fabric upon which you and the community stand and function.

According to studies done at Syracuse University “Moral injury is the damage done to one’s conscience or moral compass when that person perpetrates, is the victim of, witnesses, or fails to prevent acts that transgress one’s own moral beliefs, values, or ethical codes of conduct.” It was in work with Vietnam Veterans that this understanding came to be. Actions during war are certainly one cause. But abuse, rape, violence, air-raid sirens, and sometimes simple stupidity may cause similar kinds of damage.

Moral injury – in the language of 2014, targeting children is “just wrong”. Moral injury – in the language of Yom Kippur — Soul injury – a spiritual brokenness. — it might be a single incident – the day you learned a loved one had cancer, incest, the need for armed guards outside our doors today. Or it might be the tiny decisions we make day by day that eat away at what we know to be right.

I suspect we all agree with me that the life & well being of a child is to be protected at all costs – children come first. When a child is threatened that threat is against the very fabric of our society. If a child is injured or killed intentionally or unintentionally, actively or as a result of inaction I feel fairly safe in stating that we would all agree that it is ‘wrong’. That it transgresses a non-negotiable truth in this world – children are to be protected. How many of us have thought or said – just let my children out live me?

Although the vocabulary of “Moral Injury” is new, the concept is not. Judaism was teaching about moral injury long before it became a conversation in the west. Since the beginning, we have inadvertently and consciously hurt and been hurt by others – sometimes in superficial ways and other times in deep soul disturbing ways. Since the beginning, we have needed to heal.

The ways in which we hurt and are hurt in this world are astounding – rockets being shot at civilians, civilians shooting in synagogues, armed guards in our schools and synagogues. At least we know that we always have our family for support. Family, our first & primary community in this world. We might disagree with each other, but push comes to shove, we can always depend on family. That is simply how the world works – except when it does not. Incest, abuse, neglect, leaving a child in a hot car – the list goes on – these things rip at the very fiber of the basic morals we hold dear. – children are sacred and to be protected at all costs.

Torah is rift with examples of strong & stable families…..

OK – Torah is filled with disturbed, messed up families. 🙂  But what learning opportunities it provides us.

Take the story of Joseph – favored child, cool coat, does not know enough when to keep his mouth closed which leads to, well, just a little bit of sibling rivalry…

Dad sends him to check up on his shepherd brothers, maybe not the smartest move on Dad’s part but off he goes. When he finally arrives, what do they do? grab him, rip his tunic, and throw him in an empty pit – a pit with no water (in the desert!)

But it gets worse, then – וישבו לאכול-לחם They sat down and ate! Not a snack — lechem – bread, this was a meal.

And it gets worse again, skip to the end of the story to their reunification in Egypt. Bresheet 42:21 fills in a blank for us:

ויאמרו איש אל-אחיו אבל אשמים אנחנו על-אחינו אשר ראינו צארת נפשו בהתחננו אלינו ולא שמענו על-כן באה אלינו הצרה הזאת

They said to one another, “Alas we are being punished on account of our brother, because we looked on at his צארת נפשו – anguish yet paid no heed as he pleaded with us. That is why הצרה הזאת this distress has come upon us. Joseph was in the pit crying, thirsty, scared —– and they sit down to a meal. So much for family being your rock.

Tzarrat Nafso – his souls distress. Torah. calls it. what it is. Joseph’s soul is distressed. Can you imagine it? What Joseph must have felt to be betrayed in such a way? Put yourself in that pit – dark, thirsty, scared. What would you feel? Who are you angry at? Do you even know who to be angry with? Your brothers for throwing you in a pit? Your father for ignoring what he should have seen and sending you to them? Yourself for being a jerk? OR God for setting the whole thing up?

Yeah he was kind of jerk, but family does not kill family, throw you in a pit, or sell you as a slave. That just does not happen – except when it does.

You know the rest of the story, Joseph ends up in Egypt, works for Potifar, goes to jail, interprets Pharaoh’s dream, becomes the almost biggest man in town. And then, there is the famine – and his brothers show up.

Joseph looks like an Egyptian, speaks like and Egyptian, walks like an Egyptian (remember that song?). He even uses a translator even though he understands them. Eventually they reunite & live happily ever after – just like in Dreamworks!

Yet, by the time they reunite – Joseph has done a tremendous amount of inner work and is able to recognize that they ‘had’ to do it. In some way he is able to come to understand his small part in a much larger plan. He was able to forgive what his brothers had done to him and ask their forgiveness as well.  We don’t know if it took him hours, days, months or even years. Have you ever wondered why, as Pharaoh’s right hand man, he never sent for his family? Clearly he had not forgotten them, his children are named after his past. We do know though, that whatever his path, he walked it with Gid. Some hurt takes years to heal. It is a difficult path to know how to walk and a difficult path to walk alone.

Throughout the Jewish year we encounter liturgical requests, prayers, for awareness and forgiveness. Being forgiven is part of our healing. Forgiving is part of our healing. Yes, forgiving others, letting go of the burden of anger, hurt, and disappointment. But life is busy and most of us are resistant to being honest with ourselves and even more resistant to change. So we enter the High Holy Day season.

Just as kids returned to school and summer began to fade, we entered the month of Elul –  a time period of more intense soul searching. The daily shofar blowing, classes on the High HolyDays and sermons about teshuva, Rosh HaShana and tashlich. All designed to do the same thing – encourage us to look at our lives and to do tshuvah, to heal. And now, 40 days later, we are here tonight, together, on Yom Kippur – the Day of Atonement – together as individuals, families and community.

Together, we stand with Jews around the world to make our final check. We review the final vestiges of our lives digging for those parts that don’t want to be found, that don’t want to be revealed.  And then having asked others for their forgiveness, having pledged to do better next time we beg forgiveness from God.
Our Rabbis long ago knew that surface pains and the deep pains of moral injury existed. The deep soul wrenching pain that breaks our basic understandings of life. But, they also knew that we needed help with the path back. That we needed to heal, help others heal, and return to living. Joseph, along with many others give us models for the soul searching which can subsequently lead to understanding, repair and a return to the basic structure of the universe. We all sometimes need to return to where we belong in life. They needed to go through the process of T’shuvah – within themselves and then the community. T’shuvah – return to ourselves, to God, to wholeness. Return to belief in the basic structure of the world. Return to living every day to it’s fullest.

We still  have the next 25 hours and every day to do this work. To make those apologies we were loath to make and to give the forgiveness that is hardest to give. But we must also look deeper. Do we have, or have we caused what Journalist Diane Silver describes as “a deep soul wound that pierces a person’s identity, sense of morality, and relationship to society.” Are there ways we can work in the community to heal and more importantly to prevent pain in ourselves and others — surface hurts and those deep soul wrenching injuries.

We must learn to speak up, to act and to support institutions which do the same. For as the Talmud says in Shabbat 54b – whomever is able to protest… fails to… responsible.

Tradition says that during Yom Kippur our fates are sealed for the year – we don’t know what this means. We can simply do our own footwork and trust God. Judaism is giving us a kick in the butt along the path. Are we ready to stand, stripped down, in front of God? Are we ready to stand in our own vulnerability and to surround and be surrounded by our community? – with love and protection for ourselves and the others standing vulnerable among us tonight? To approach God ourselves and each other with an open heart? With hurt, anger, sadness, and confusion. With love and understanding. I pray that we have the support and love from ourselves, our family and our community to go deeper within our souls this coming year – to search out the corners so well hidden. Injury happens in our world. We might be the perpetrator or the receiver. We might be actively complicit or simply stood by while it happened around us. Let us find it, work on healing from it and more actively work to prevent it in the future. Let us return to living fully.

Gmar Hatima Tova